the men i know care nothing for love
nothing
They wanted other things.
CompanyRespectAudienceFeedbackFlatteryEgoEgoEgo.
Nothing, he said. I want nothing.
I want Nothing, I give Nothing
Which in the end is everything.
They wanted opportunities to be heroic
but I have never been a distressed damsel.
The one.
Opens his heart,
Offers a vein.
just so I can drink his blood
and what is more heroic than his certainty
that I would never do that?
this is day ten
day ten
count 'em
onetwothree
fourfivesix
seveneightnineten
nineten ninethen ten
Monday to a Wednesday a week past
To a thursday then a friday
If he calls, it will be sunday, but he won't
I'm not waiting you know not waiting
I have written him in my heart a thousand times
and I dream of getting lost on the bus lines in the chilterns
lost lost lost
Shams, i lost him on the buses
i didn't mind anything of his non life
his non car his non job his non house
Shams, you can't make a partnership of one
solo acts don't co-create
I am not it
not it
not
ninethenten
nine then ten
oh my god why does it hurt so much
You've got your foot on my low back
And it's a dull ache that makes it hard to walk,
hard to stand
you're gone anyway
and i wish you'd hurt yourself
Shams, he is not it.
I keep trying, Shams
He's a wild horse, this one
No one keeps a wild horse,
not if they want it to be wild
I watch from so far
I've become the hill itself
with grass growing on me
WIld horses come close
but they never touch you
im sorry you wrote my cat died and
im sorry i told someone else
was not enough
they said and they said and said are you okay
no no one asked me that
no one but i thought you might
I moved you to the archive
didn't want to see your name
didn't want to see what I'd written you last
like i was begging
i was begging
beggar
all i asked: do the thing
end it, if it is over
let me know.
instead keeping me on the line
with this better correspondence
all new, all improved, better than shampoo
better than bread, better than honey,
better than Shang Yu dancers
better than the city of buildings going up and up
i look every day for your message
waiting for disappointment
waiting for a flicker in the ash
i looked at that last picture and wondered
who took that picture of you,
the one with the bike
why were you online at 2:39
out at the bar?
you said you were sad
you said you missed me
the you of now is not that you
that's an evil thing you know
If only sending you back were
As easy as returns at Amazon
It’d save my heart the postage
But now I’m waiting on a text
That’s not gonna come
And telling all my friends it’s over
Buried the lead on that
We went for ramen and boba
Asked if I fancied you and I didn’t know
if I liked avocado smoothies
Thought you were grifter
Still thinking about you
Dislocated heart fell in the first winter storm
Reached for your hand and it wasn’t there
The hospital said i’d need an operation
Eight months later you weren’t there
Caught a bus to watch the gulls at the port
Still thinking about you, still thinking about you
I’m a girl riding alone
Snow spins this rental Chevy off route one
Left on read my ride or die waiting for a tow
Ryan Adam’s Wonderwall breaking me to tears
Read that last message riding shotgun
Hiked Castle Mountain and ate a cheese sandwich
Still thinking about you, still thinking about you
I’m a girl riding alone
Stamped passports and visas, slept in the airport
Sang open mic night in Canmore with tears in my eyes
You’re not riding that fat bike down 9th street
I heard about the accident and there’s tears in my eyes
A dislocated heart doesn’t heal, even with an operation
The muscles need to get stronger
And I moved on from thinking about you, still thinking about you,
I’m a girl riding alone
