is it so terrible that I fall in love
so easily, and am seduced
by the smallest thing?
I am no challenge for a wizard
to catch.
Ah, but to keep me, that is hard.
What binds they think hold me
drop from my hands
like those of Dionysus and
I walk out the door,
naked and radiant,
a smile on my face.
My only love is for you and your divinity.
None else shall keep me.

dumped

i heard a story today about a woman
who had never dumped anyone in her life.
She had always received and never gave,
a vessel for the unfulfilled dreams of others,
this pitcher that can't be tipped over.
I think these things collect inside you
and they flow out, like honey nectar
down through your limbs and make them slack
and placid, worn and eroded.
I also heard a story today about a woman
who had always dumped others.
She had shot arrows and jumped hurdles,
watched tears and did not move, did not stir,
but steeled herself against onslaughts of
desperation and pain, turning cold,
freezing everything so nothing could get in,
shutting the doors, one at a time, and bolting
them down.
For every dumper, there is a dumpee.
At one point joined and one.

Shams, dearest, I think I did it again,
spent time imagining this future,
this fantastic future in which I could
be more than myself, and reality
aligned precisely to a vision I had
of how things should be.
And I was so delighted that there was
someone whose physical self could
be occupy that space.
I had a voice, a body, a face, a name.
Then imaginings must be laid aside
and reality is what reality is.
And reality seems so difficult.

seize the day

for too long, Shams, I was swimming with under toe
pulling me down, my lungs bursting with saltwater,
get me out of this little tank, struggling and fighting,
knowing I had one hand on the life preserver,
the other on the tank's edge.
Kicking and beating and fighting so hard,
when it was as simple as breathing,
as simple as breathing,
as simple as
breathing.
He came and
offered me a plush towel,
a pair of wooden bath slippers,
and even if that was all he ever did for me,
I am so grateful,
on my knees.

waiting for a phone call

its funny the way we women are so at the mercy of these things
and so much life gets lived in the space between those
anticipated phone calls.
Then again, the vigil in my life only lasts so long
before I don't care any longer about you
and your phone call.
At least I get the house clean, the plants watered,
the dog walked, the novel written, the run in,
the yoga practiced, the lecture prepped, the
book read, the friends visited, the good cheer
spread, the shopping done, and all of those
things that sometimes seem as though they
are done simply to fill the space
between those phone calls.
Oh its just you. You were not who I was thinking of anymore.


****
note to self -- this is a good one in the making, revisit in the future.

change

the more i change, Shams,
the more really the names just
change and I am not really
changing anymore.
It's all that special relativity shit.
Shams, friend, Shams, we have
got to get our life together
and stop this shilly shallying
around, this indefinitive messing.
Some dull dreary parade of
emails and phonecalls and
waiting around for something.
I'm so sick of people who
don't take me seriously.
I'm so sick of people who
don't take things seriously.
I'm so sick of people who
don't take themselves seriously.
If we don't matter, what does,
Shams, can't you tell me?
It's Friday night and I have
everything and nothing to do.

teacher

maybe being a teacher is not what i should have been
but nothing is so good for my ego
as meriting the respect
of the next generation
because I give to them
and they give back.

leaky roof in my cavernous house
the cavernous house in my dreams
can't stop this trickle... nay... flood.
I get so overwhelmed by you.

struggle

on one hand, I want to be the girl who goes with the flow
who takes what hand she is dealt and just goes along
for the ride, ride her til she bucks ya, all smiles and
sunshine and if it rains tomorrow, don't fret.
on the other hand, I want to be the girl who makes a
difinitive statement about myself, carving and extracting,
constructing myself like a bower bird builds its nest,
eschewing what is wrong with deliberate incision.
Both are gardens of beauty and surprise,
and I am ever torn because I can't have both,
can't be both.

working itself out,
this thing, this life of mine,
and resist or fight,
flow or fly,
it's working itself out.

Donut

8:30 in Lionel Groulx metro and thank
you dear God the Dunkin Donuts is
always fresh, always open.
I haven't eaten in hours, and I don't
usually eat donuts and the woman
slides the door for me, do it yourself.
Oh, I do it myself. I take the chef's
special, brown frosting with a white
rosette, stuffed with cream in its
yellow food dye pastry, but still hot.
This is going to make a good mess.
I eat that donut up the escalators,
up the stairs, out to the street.
I eat the donut, and think,
if this were a movie,
now,
I would be having an epiphany.

I am living under the influence
and I think I'm about to get
pulled over again.
There's only so long I can
get by before someone
calls the authorities about my
reckless emotional living.

dream

i dreamed of you
i dreamed you drew picture
and then in real life
i was so close to you
i could
and i wanted to send you
some kind of message
of that

dog

I fear your death more each day
as you get older and older.
You wheeze. Did you wheeze before?
I want to think you've been snoring
like this forever, curled at my feet,
but I seem to recall you were not
so tired, my friend, not so
malfunctioning.
If you die, die in my arms, die
while I am home, die so that
I know I was there for your transition,
and could walk you to the other side
as far as I could go.
You'll meet me there again, one day.
When it is my turn to walk,
you will wait for me I think,
just as you wait for me every day
to come home.

i am too much like too many
people who are cold blooded,
and I like being cold blooded.
I'd sometimes give anything to
be calculating like that,
methodical like that,
and not care at all about such stupid
things

it wasn't a lack of feeling,
and so you left me reeling.
sometimes I still think of you
and sometimes.