suicide is painless

not a day goes by when
i do not think i would like to die
and someone tells me on the radio
you need to ask yourself
what is saving you right now?
and she is saved by Christ.
she is saved, but I am not damned,
not damned for all the ages,
I just meander on through.
I am so lost.
this life I am living, this life
is such a painful thing these
days when you are so unkind to me.
But I would not lay my head down
on some kind of block for
you. That is what a younger me would
do. Instead I die and kill myself
on my feet, and silence my voice,
and put my mind in another place.
You are so full of hatreds for me.
You are so full of some poison.
You are poking at me with your
fingers and opening spaces on
my skin and bleeding your fury
on me and into me so I spend
my days asleep, my days asleep,
killing everything in me,
as there is no desire left.
No will to do what must be done.
I am slow and thick and it is hot
and summer.
These are the days I have and you
rape me for them.
I blame him for making me so sick,
them for not teaching me
that on my own I am okay.
I would not stay here in this place,
would not die a thousand suicides.
To think I was so in love just
days ago, just maybe moments.

(unpublished poem files )