Shams' Muse

is it so terrible that I fall in love so easily, and am seduced by the smallest thing? I am no challenge for a wizard to catch. Ah, but to keep me, that is hard. What binds they think hold me drop from my hands like those of Dionysus and I walk out the door, naked and radiant, a smile on my face. My only love is for you and your divinity. None else shall keep me.

i heard a story today about a woman who had never dumped anyone in her life. She had always received and never gave, a vessel for the unfulfilled dreams of others, this pitcher that can't be tipped over. I think these things collect inside you and they flow out, like honey nectar down through your limbs and make them slack and placid, worn and eroded. I also heard a story today about a woman who had always dumped others. She had shot arrows and jumped hurdles, watched tears and did not move, did not stir, but steeled herself against onslaughts of desperation and pain, turning cold, freezing everything so nothing could get in, shutting the doors, one at a time, and bolting them down. For every dumper, there is a dumpee. At one point joined and one.

Shams, dearest, I think I did it again, spent time imagining this future, this fantastic future in which I could be more than myself, and reality aligned precisely to a vision I had of how things should be. And I was so delighted that there was someone whose physical self could be occupy that space. I had a voice, a body, a face, a name. Then imaginings must be laid aside and reality is what reality is. And reality seems so difficult.

for too long, Shams, I was swimming with under toe pulling me down, my lungs bursting with saltwater, get me out of this little tank, struggling and fighting, knowing I had one hand on the life preserver, the other on the tank's edge. Kicking and beating and fighting so hard, when it was as simple as breathing, as simple as breathing, as simple as breathing. He came and offered me a plush towel, a pair of wooden bath slippers, and even if that was all he ever did for me, I am so grateful, on my knees.

its funny the way we women are so at the mercy of these things and so much life gets lived in the space between those anticipated phone calls. Then again, the vigil in my life only lasts so long before I don't care any longer about you and your phone call. At least I get the house clean, the plants watered, the dog walked, the novel written, the run in, the yoga practiced, the lecture prepped, the book read, the friends visited, the good cheer spread, the shopping done, and all of those things that sometimes seem as though they are done simply to fill the space between those phone calls. Oh its just you. You were not who I was thinking of anymore. **** note to self -- this is a good one in the making, revisit in the future.

the more i change, Shams, the more really the names just change and I am not really changing anymore. It's all that special relativity shit. Shams, friend, Shams, we have got to get our life together and stop this shilly shallying around, this indefinitive messing. Some dull dreary parade of emails and phonecalls and waiting around for something. I'm so sick of people who don't take me seriously. I'm so sick of people who don't take things seriously. I'm so sick of people who don't take themselves seriously. If we don't matter, what does, Shams, can't you tell me? It's Friday night and I have everything and nothing to do.

maybe being a teacher is not what i should have been but nothing is so good for my ego as meriting the respect of the next generation because I give to them and they give back.

leaky roof in my cavernous house the cavernous house in my dreams can't stop this trickle... nay... flood. I get so overwhelmed by you.

on one hand, I want to be the girl who goes with the flow who takes what hand she is dealt and just goes along for the ride, ride her til she bucks ya, all smiles and sunshine and if it rains tomorrow, don't fret. on the other hand, I want to be the girl who makes a difinitive statement about myself, carving and extracting, constructing myself like a bower bird builds its nest, eschewing what is wrong with deliberate incision. Both are gardens of beauty and surprise, and I am ever torn because I can't have both, can't be both.

working itself out, this thing, this life of mine, and resist or fight, flow or fly, it's working itself out.

8:30 in Lionel Groulx metro and thank you dear God the Dunkin Donuts is always fresh, always open. I haven't eaten in hours, and I don't usually eat donuts and the woman slides the door for me, do it yourself. Oh, I do it myself. I take the chef's special, brown frosting with a white rosette, stuffed with cream in its yellow food dye pastry, but still hot. This is going to make a good mess. I eat that donut up the escalators, up the stairs, out to the street. I eat the donut, and think, if this were a movie, now, I would be having an epiphany.

I am living under the influence and I think I'm about to get pulled over again. There's only so long I can get by before someone calls the authorities about my reckless emotional living.

i dreamed of you i dreamed you drew picture and then in real life i was so close to you i could and i wanted to send you some kind of message of that

I fear your death more each day as you get older and older. You wheeze. Did you wheeze before? I want to think you've been snoring like this forever, curled at my feet, but I seem to recall you were not so tired, my friend, not so malfunctioning. If you die, die in my arms, die while I am home, die so that I know I was there for your transition, and could walk you to the other side as far as I could go. You'll meet me there again, one day. When it is my turn to walk, you will wait for me I think, just as you wait for me every day to come home.

i am too much like too many people who are cold blooded, and I like being cold blooded. I'd sometimes give anything to be calculating like that, methodical like that, and not care at all about such stupid things

it wasn't a lack of feeling, and so you left me reeling. sometimes I still think of you and sometimes.