Shams' Muse

the men i know care nothing for love nothing They wanted other things.  CompanyRespectAudienceFeedbackFlatteryEgoEgoEgo. Nothing, he said. I want nothing. I want Nothing, I give Nothing Which in the end is everything. They wanted opportunities to be heroic but I have never been a distressed damsel. The one. Opens his heart,  Offers a vein. just so I can drink his blood and what is more heroic than his certainty  that I would never do that?

this is day ten day ten count 'em onetwothree fourfivesix seveneightnineten nineten ninethen ten Monday to a Wednesday a week past To a thursday then a friday If he calls, it will be sunday, but he won't I'm not waiting you know not waiting I have written him in my heart a thousand times and I dream of getting lost on the bus lines in the chilterns lost lost lost Shams, i lost him on the buses i didn't mind anything of his non life his non car his non job his non house Shams, you can't make a partnership of one solo acts don't co-create I am not it not it not ninethenten nine then ten oh my god why does it hurt so much 

 You've got your foot on my low back And it's a dull ache that makes it hard to walk, hard to stand you're gone anyway and i wish you'd hurt yourself

Shams, he is not it.  I keep trying, Shams He's a wild horse, this one No one keeps a wild horse,  not if they want it to be wild I watch from so far  I've become the hill itself with grass growing on me WIld horses come close but they never touch you

im sorry you wrote my cat died and  im sorry i told someone else  was not enough they said and they said and said are you okay no no one asked me that no one but i thought you might

I moved you to the archive didn't want to see your name didn't want to see what I'd written you last like i was begging i was begging beggar all i asked: do the thing end it, if it is over let me know.  instead keeping me on the line  with this better correspondence all new, all improved, better than shampoo better than bread, better than honey,  better than Shang Yu dancers better than the city of buildings going up and up i look every day for your message waiting for disappointment waiting for a flicker in the ash i  looked at that last picture and wondered who took that picture of you, the one with the bike why were you online at 2:39  out at the bar? you said you were sad you said you missed me the you of now is not that you that's an evil thing you know

If only sending you back were   As easy as returns at Amazon It’d save my heart the postage   But now I’m waiting on a text   That’s not gonna come   And telling all my friends it’s over Buried the lead on that  We went for ramen and boba Asked if I fancied you and I didn’t know if I liked avocado smoothies Thought you were grifter  

Still thinking about you  Dislocated heart fell in the first winter storm Reached for your hand and it wasn’t there The hospital said i’d need an operation Eight months later you weren’t there Caught a bus to watch the gulls at the port Still thinking about you, still thinking about you I’m a girl riding alone Snow spins this rental Chevy off route one Left on read my ride or die waiting for a tow   Ryan Adam’s Wonderwall breaking me to tears Read that last message riding shotgun  Hiked Castle Mountain and ate a cheese sandwich Still thinking about you, still thinking about you I’m   a girl riding alone Stamped passports and visas, slept in the airport Sang open mic night in Canmore with tears in my eyes You’re not riding that fat bike down 9th street I heard about the accident and there’s tears in my eyes A dislocated heart doesn’t heal, even with an operation The muscles need to get stronger And I moved on from thinking about you, still thinking about you, I’m a gi...